Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Softcore Review: Bikini Bistro

Amanda and I recently watched another softcore movie. This one is pefectly titled, "Bikini Bistro." Following closely the plotline of dozens of movies from the 1980's, a failing vegetarian restaurant drums up business by dressing up its waittresses in bikinis in order to stop the sleazy landlord from turning it into a parking lot. Sounds pretty passe, right? WRONG! It is a can't miss formula that combines "The Goonies" with tits.

And if that weren't enough, Marilyn Chambers stars as the adult film director turned restaurant consultant. She starts the movie directing a porno flick and then tells the Bistro owner to stop wearing clothes and her money problems will just disappear! She claims that an 8-table restaurant in the middle of New York City can score enough profits in four days to buy out the space. At NYC retail space prices, that means profiting over $300,000 a night selling carrot souffle. I don't care if your tits are made of crude oil futures and sex, there is no way they are raising $300k in a weekend. There were only six tits in the first place!

Mr. Rank, the menacing landlord, was an extremely well-developed character. The toothpick that was featured in his mouth in every scene really showed how inconsiderate and uncouth he is. Not to mention the plaid sport coat and navy blue pants he wore for 4 days straight. And how he stopped by to check the ladies' progress about three times a day, implying he has very little to do. His plan to turn the Bikini Bistro (the actual name of the restaurant, not just the title of the movie) into a parking lot was flawless. Especially the pan-shots showed it to be located under about 20 stories of office space and connected on all sides to other buildings.

Enter the People's Coalition Against Overstimulation, or whatever they were called. I am pretty sure they were just Mormons because they were very conservatively dressed and hated fun. The skinny man had glassed and neatly parted gelled hair while the fat lady looked like Miss Yvonne from Pee-Wee's Playhouse after gaining 100 pounds. She kept saying awesome protest-words like, "Hey hey, ho ho. Bikini Bistro's got to go." And who could forget, "What do we want? Clothing! Where do we want it? On our waittresses!" While Mr. Rank (the menacing landlord with unfaltering business acumen) was immune to the busty babes' tricks, he was quite taken by the joyless bitch that looked like a 5-foot bowling ball on two enormous hams. As soon as he saw her swathed in that king size duvet-turned-toga, he forgave all the other women's debts.

I think the real treat was Marilyn Chambers. A prominent porn star when she was 20, this movie was made in 1995. That means she was 43 years old and kind of fat. Next to the Mormon woman, she looked like an anorexic, but it still reminded me of those "mature woman" sites. The camera man tried so hard to not show anything lower than her nipples, and even those only when she was holding up those war-torn, leathery sacks with her hands. I imagine that if she didn't use her hands, the boobs would get stepped on by the food critic she was nailing. That reminds me: according to this movie, the food critic's review would help generate sales enough to save the restaurant (which means it would have to be written, edited, published, and read all in the same day in order to make their 4-day deadline. And since they wasted one of those days on a shopping spree montage and about 20 bikini-changing scenes, they only had three days.).

The only way they could find to show tits was when the waitresses were changing into their outfits. And once when the cook made a bet with one to take her top off. It probably should have been called Tits Bistro so the writers didn't have to think so hard to avoid boobless periods longer than 5 minutes.

My Rating: 8.9 (out of 10)



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