Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Home Buying and Roundhouse Kicks

Amanda and I are in the process of purchasing our first home. This is a mix between awful and exciting and fun. Looking at houses and bidding is fun and exciting. But EVERYTHING else is awful. From pre-approval and loan shopping and loan applications and fees and home inspections, pre-paid expenses, taxes, insurance. You would think there would be a guide for first-time home buyers that lists a schedule of when to do each thing and approximate costs for each. But NO! All the guides are just thinly veiled advertisements for some overpriced service. Our realtor has been enormously helpful, but even she cannot provide every piece of information along the way.

So at the completion of this process, I will be writing a comprehensive home buying guide that will be posted to this blog. Stay tuned.

Also, we watched a Chuck Norris movie called "Hellbound" last night. Everyone knows Chuck beats up people with his feet and his beard without ever breaking a sweat or messing up his mullet. But I had no idea he could kick the shit out of the devil himself! This master of evil -- the devil, not Mr. Norris -- could teleport himself and throw people through stone walls, but he was no match for Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks. But I couldn't figure out why in hell the devil was trying to punch a man instead of just killing him with his evil telekinesis or by pulling out his heart with his bare hand (which happened to another man in the movie, but I think the heart was made of rubber because it bounced when the devil threw it at Mr. Norris). I do say "trying" to punch Chuck because not a single punch ever landed. Not even the devil can beat up Chuck Norris! To be completely honest, it was not the devil, but rather his servant named ProstateAnus. It might be spelled differently, but that is sure how it sounded to me.

Spoiler warning. The end features Chuck Norris victorious over all that is evil, thereby saving the entire human race for all of eternity (including the afterlife). For that reason, Detective Shatter (no shit, this is the Norris character's name in the movie) is WAY more awesome than Braddock was in "Missing in Action." In MIA, Chuck merely saved the world from Vietnam. In Hellbound, he saved us all from evil. The end scene has Chuck Norris throwing a spear right through ProstateAnus and ProstateAnus's face turned into a rubber mask with horns on it while his chest turned into fireworks and sparklers and then he exploded into little bits of steak! Sounds like I am making it up and trying to be funny, but it happened. Chuck's little brother Aaron Norris wrote the movie, so he is the one making it up and trying to be funny. I am sure Chuck and Aaron's mother yelled at Chuck, "Charles! Be in your brother's movie! You are always worried about accepting bad scripts and ruining your career, but what about Aaron's career as a writer? You could really help him out so be in his devil movie. Here, I made you both ham sandwiches to eat for lunch."

My rating: 7.8 (out of 10)

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