Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Shower Songs

This morning while brushing my teeth, I heard Amanda singing inside the shower:

I'm a dirty little girl
Just trying to get a nut
I never take a shower
And never clean my butt

I'm a dirty little girl
I do what I like
You should smell my seat
After I ride my bike

Now put it to the tune of Neil Young's "Dirty Old Man" and you have my morning soundtrack.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Humor School

I have been coaching Amanda for some time on what is funny and what is decidedly NOT funny. Who am I to tell her what is funny?, you ask. Well I have no answer for that.

But she thinks it is hilarious to insert wrong words in otherwise familiar phrases. Usually, the words are butt, fart, cockballs, and vagina. Here are some examples.

Scott: Let's go to the Cleveland Museum of Art.
Amanda: More like the Cleveland Museum of Fart!

Scott (in church): Silent night, holy night.
Amanda (after church): Silent fart, holy fart!

Scott: What are you eating?
Amanda: Pee nuts.
Scott: ...
Amanda: With a glass of semen.
Scott: ...
Scott: Cock shit penis ballslut!

Some of her favorite songs:
Poop Goes the Weasel
Go Tell It on the Butthole
Swing Low, Sweet Vagina

Her favorite foods:
Poopcorn (aka Colonel Poopcorn)
Ham Wallet and Fromunda Cheese Sandwiches

I try to tell her she cannot just stick a dirty word into a sentence and expect it to be funny, but she cares about as much as you'd expect from someone who just said, "It sure is cold out rear."

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Home Buying and Roundhouse Kicks

Amanda and I are in the process of purchasing our first home. This is a mix between awful and exciting and fun. Looking at houses and bidding is fun and exciting. But EVERYTHING else is awful. From pre-approval and loan shopping and loan applications and fees and home inspections, pre-paid expenses, taxes, insurance. You would think there would be a guide for first-time home buyers that lists a schedule of when to do each thing and approximate costs for each. But NO! All the guides are just thinly veiled advertisements for some overpriced service. Our realtor has been enormously helpful, but even she cannot provide every piece of information along the way.

So at the completion of this process, I will be writing a comprehensive home buying guide that will be posted to this blog. Stay tuned.

Also, we watched a Chuck Norris movie called "Hellbound" last night. Everyone knows Chuck beats up people with his feet and his beard without ever breaking a sweat or messing up his mullet. But I had no idea he could kick the shit out of the devil himself! This master of evil -- the devil, not Mr. Norris -- could teleport himself and throw people through stone walls, but he was no match for Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks. But I couldn't figure out why in hell the devil was trying to punch a man instead of just killing him with his evil telekinesis or by pulling out his heart with his bare hand (which happened to another man in the movie, but I think the heart was made of rubber because it bounced when the devil threw it at Mr. Norris). I do say "trying" to punch Chuck because not a single punch ever landed. Not even the devil can beat up Chuck Norris! To be completely honest, it was not the devil, but rather his servant named ProstateAnus. It might be spelled differently, but that is sure how it sounded to me.

Spoiler warning. The end features Chuck Norris victorious over all that is evil, thereby saving the entire human race for all of eternity (including the afterlife). For that reason, Detective Shatter (no shit, this is the Norris character's name in the movie) is WAY more awesome than Braddock was in "Missing in Action." In MIA, Chuck merely saved the world from Vietnam. In Hellbound, he saved us all from evil. The end scene has Chuck Norris throwing a spear right through ProstateAnus and ProstateAnus's face turned into a rubber mask with horns on it while his chest turned into fireworks and sparklers and then he exploded into little bits of steak! Sounds like I am making it up and trying to be funny, but it happened. Chuck's little brother Aaron Norris wrote the movie, so he is the one making it up and trying to be funny. I am sure Chuck and Aaron's mother yelled at Chuck, "Charles! Be in your brother's movie! You are always worried about accepting bad scripts and ruining your career, but what about Aaron's career as a writer? You could really help him out so be in his devil movie. Here, I made you both ham sandwiches to eat for lunch."

My rating: 7.8 (out of 10)

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Monday, February 11, 2008

Winter Can Kiss My Ass

Yesterday was the worst day for weather since junior year of college. That was the first year of off-campus housing and a half-hour walk. It was also the year the sidewalks had two inches of ice for the entire winter and I fell on my ass every few days.

But YESTERDAY! Yesterday, the temperature dropped to 3°F and the wind was blowing 50+mph along the lakeshore where I live. The sliding door onto my balcony was installed 30 years ago and hasn't seen a repair since. So it stops cold air about as much as an open window. Without exaggeration, there is a half-inch of snow inside my apartment next to the door. Not melting snow, either. Consistently frozen snow. The whole apartment is about 55°F except for the bedroom. The only reason the bedroom is not so cold is because I encased the through-wall air conditioner in plastic wrap and duct tape. It also stops cold air about as much as an open window. Now it looks like a leftover air conditioner sandwich in all that plastic wrap.

But the real problem with the weather happened while walking to my car. The wind was blowing harder than ever before seen on Earth and the parking lot was covered by a sheet of ice. When we got near my car, the wind gusted and blew us right past the car. With no footholds on the sheet of ice, we blew on by. This is a problem! What if the wind didn't die down? We could have been blown clear into the street and run over by a snow plow. You can get fined for that kind of thing!

My Review: 0.2 (out of 10)

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Softcore Review: Bikini Bistro

Amanda and I recently watched another softcore movie. This one is pefectly titled, "Bikini Bistro." Following closely the plotline of dozens of movies from the 1980's, a failing vegetarian restaurant drums up business by dressing up its waittresses in bikinis in order to stop the sleazy landlord from turning it into a parking lot. Sounds pretty passe, right? WRONG! It is a can't miss formula that combines "The Goonies" with tits.

And if that weren't enough, Marilyn Chambers stars as the adult film director turned restaurant consultant. She starts the movie directing a porno flick and then tells the Bistro owner to stop wearing clothes and her money problems will just disappear! She claims that an 8-table restaurant in the middle of New York City can score enough profits in four days to buy out the space. At NYC retail space prices, that means profiting over $300,000 a night selling carrot souffle. I don't care if your tits are made of crude oil futures and sex, there is no way they are raising $300k in a weekend. There were only six tits in the first place!

Mr. Rank, the menacing landlord, was an extremely well-developed character. The toothpick that was featured in his mouth in every scene really showed how inconsiderate and uncouth he is. Not to mention the plaid sport coat and navy blue pants he wore for 4 days straight. And how he stopped by to check the ladies' progress about three times a day, implying he has very little to do. His plan to turn the Bikini Bistro (the actual name of the restaurant, not just the title of the movie) into a parking lot was flawless. Especially the pan-shots showed it to be located under about 20 stories of office space and connected on all sides to other buildings.

Enter the People's Coalition Against Overstimulation, or whatever they were called. I am pretty sure they were just Mormons because they were very conservatively dressed and hated fun. The skinny man had glassed and neatly parted gelled hair while the fat lady looked like Miss Yvonne from Pee-Wee's Playhouse after gaining 100 pounds. She kept saying awesome protest-words like, "Hey hey, ho ho. Bikini Bistro's got to go." And who could forget, "What do we want? Clothing! Where do we want it? On our waittresses!" While Mr. Rank (the menacing landlord with unfaltering business acumen) was immune to the busty babes' tricks, he was quite taken by the joyless bitch that looked like a 5-foot bowling ball on two enormous hams. As soon as he saw her swathed in that king size duvet-turned-toga, he forgave all the other women's debts.

I think the real treat was Marilyn Chambers. A prominent porn star when she was 20, this movie was made in 1995. That means she was 43 years old and kind of fat. Next to the Mormon woman, she looked like an anorexic, but it still reminded me of those "mature woman" sites. The camera man tried so hard to not show anything lower than her nipples, and even those only when she was holding up those war-torn, leathery sacks with her hands. I imagine that if she didn't use her hands, the boobs would get stepped on by the food critic she was nailing. That reminds me: according to this movie, the food critic's review would help generate sales enough to save the restaurant (which means it would have to be written, edited, published, and read all in the same day in order to make their 4-day deadline. And since they wasted one of those days on a shopping spree montage and about 20 bikini-changing scenes, they only had three days.).

The only way they could find to show tits was when the waitresses were changing into their outfits. And once when the cook made a bet with one to take her top off. It probably should have been called Tits Bistro so the writers didn't have to think so hard to avoid boobless periods longer than 5 minutes.

My Rating: 8.9 (out of 10)