Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Review: Emmanuelle's Intimate Encounters

Scott: Amanda and I watch softcore porn sometimes.
Everyone: OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING YOU TWO ARE SO WEIRD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO.
It's not like that. Calling it porn is misleading. That is like saying you are going out for burgers, when you are really going to the hipster place for veggie patties and alfalfa sprouts. Softcore is just a bunch of terrible unedited scripts where tits fill all the lead roles. The blabbing head above the tits say stupid things like, "we have a failing restaurant, but I have a way to save it," and then the tits take over again with some synthesized music.

I used to watch these movies at sleepovers. Cinemax never let us down. There was the movie where a scientist invented a device that made everyone in its vicinity horny as hell (including a priest at a picnic in one scene). But now we have Netflix so we don't have to wait for the weekend.

Emmanuelle's Intimate Encounters is about a paraplegic woman who wants to experience sex with her husband, so she invents a headband that lets her take over the body of whomever her husband is fucking. This leaves the husband fucking lots of different women while remaining faithful to his wife (can you tell it was written by a man?) And the handicapped lady has big boobs.

Side note: Roger Corman produced the Emmanuelle movies. He also produced Death Race 2000, Carnosaur 3, and Alien Terminator. I've never seen the last one, but judging by the name, I bet it is the best fucking movie ever made. Roger Corman is one of those guys who could have made the garbage that is "Two Weeks Notice" into an awesome movie. He would have killed off Sandra Bullock immediately and made Hugh Grant live in a sewer until he became explosive enough to take down a corrupt police force and nail a thousand women at once. But I digress.


So the handicapped lady has big boobs and thwarts a robbery by controlling the body of the female burglar. I don't know why I expected anything else, but the burglar ended up doing a flashy showtunes-style dance with gloves and a cane, with a rousing finish, naked and nailing her partner. Hooray! The secret stash of horny amulets are safe!

So different people get controlled and Emmanuelle borrows the special body-inhabiting necklace from the handicapped lady, thereby eliminating all joy from her sedentary life. Well my sex necklace is gone. I guess I'll go for a jog down by the-- oh fuck, that's right I'm crippled. I guess I'll just sit here in this chair and cry myself to sleep again.

The biggest moment for me was when Emmanuelle inhabited the piano player's body and played the piano so sensually that everyone in the bar had an orgasm at the same time! There were 8 women and three men and they were all screwing in the bar and no one thought anything of it. They just thought, well, I am about to orgasm, so I might as well take my clothes off to avoid the mess. Hey, she looks like she is about to orgasm, too! Maybe I can just put this here....

Overall Rating: 7.9 (out of 10)

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Clammy said...

This is my favorite post. You really captured the essence of the movie.

Hey, hey, ho, ho
Bikini Bistro
Has got to go!

2:02 PM  
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