Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Another New Years Eve

Tonight's the night!
We are going out yet again to an open bar, buffet deal with a DJ and a dance floor. At the time I purchased my tickets (one week ago), there were only 12 people on the guest list. Since then, about 12 of my friends bought tickets.
At first, I thought how dumb this could be with so few people. I picture a DJ up there playing Will Smith's immortal classic, "Gettin' Jiggy wit' It," and not a single person on the dance floor. Just like the 10th grade Snow Ball held in the high school cafeteria. The only ones having any fun were the bad kids who were smart enough to get their girlfriends drunk with hopes of getting some action in the empty bathroom down the hall. And the ninth graders who didn't know any better.
But then I thought about the problems with last year -- long drink lines, overcrowded dance floor, and too many "awesome dudes" with crazy party hats, untucked shirts, and overly loosened ties. I doubt this will be the crowd in Eastlake, Ohio, in a party center that shares space with a HazMat testing company. Rather, I pictures 60-year-olds dancing to the freshest tunes, such as The Loco-Motion and The Electric Slide (Boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie!).
I remember one New Years Eve at Fat Fish Blue (maybe it was Mardi Gras) where Joe's ass was grabbed by some lewd old lady looking for fresh meat, a bunch of middle-agers gave me dirty looks because I was dancing with the hot young girl whom they just bought a drink. I also think of Grandma Lillian playing pool with me and Joe, buying pitchers of beer, and stealing margarita glasses. Or my Uncle Ron peeing in a bar parking lot shouting "HEY YOU MAGGOTS WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT! TAKE A PICTURE IT WILL LAST LONGER MAGGOTS!" So old people can be fun, too, if you turn off "CSI:Sarasota" long enough.

Google Image Search term: old people party


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Club Sandwiches

I like to try just about every food. One food I have never tried is a club sandwich. I worked at a deli for a summer and ate so many sandwiches, but never that double decker that sold so well.

This morning, as I was perusing the menu and trying to decide what would least offend my tender, hungover stomach, I noticed THE CLUB.

The club is one of those foods soon to be obsolete, containing many things on the trendy (and growing!) list of awful food. White bread, processed meat, american cheese, mayonnaise, and bacon. No whole grains, nothing natural about this sandwich except the lettuce. And that was wilted this morning.

Shunning processed foods is tres chic right now. White bread? Please. Make it a whole grain baguette or I'm leaving. Sugar? Hell no, I want evaporated cane juice. And I love it. I can't stand the soft squishy emptiness of white bread. When was the last time you had a Kraft single? I had a burger with one of those pieces of "pasteurized process cheese food" on it and I didn't even finish it. Try holding a piece of deli roast beef up to the light -- it has these shimmering rainbows on it like an oil slick in a shopping mall parking lot.

But I grew up on Kraft Mac 'n Cheese, grilled american cheese on white bread smeared thick with butter, oreo cookies, McDonald's happy meals, and deli meat. I can't stand any of those things now.

So I say goodbye to the club sandwich. It was over for me before it even began. Rating: 1.5 (out of 10).