Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Goodnight Phone Calls

I'm sure most couples do the nighttime phone call where she calls to give the blow-by-blow description of her day when I am unfortunate enough to be apart from her for more than the duraction of a bathroom trip. Something like this:

Emily: I talked to Bridget today. She and Adam broke up and she will be coming home for a while. I also went running today because it wasn't very cold. Did you work out today?
Scott: Not really. I worked late.
Emily: Then I had a turkey sandwich for lunch but I was all out of mustard, so I had to use salt and pepper.
Scott: mmm-hmm.
Emily: qiqewtijk3 i234m m wkekao dsad, adjhjm . pp[.
Scott: mm-hmm.
Emily: 3jd9oikk fnd i l,g,oppp-09 ik ,./ asdjhh imrnjffil fdkde lel
Scott: ahh. mm-hmm.

But God forbid we talk about something we don't agree on, like why I don't want to spend the weekend at her place. The reasons are so obvious to me: little TV, no stereo speakers (we have to listen to DVD's though the single distorted speaker in the baby TV), she refuses to turn the heat on (or air conditioning in the summer), all the food is low fat, and they have a grand total of four plates.

We go back and forth a few times, neither one of us really listening to the other, and then I am tired and want to get off the phone. Ready for bed, I naturally say:
Scott: Well, that's enough for me. Goodnight Emmy, I love you.
Scott: Does this mean I can't go to sleep yet?
Scott: It's not really--

I'm sure you notice the two opportunities she had to raise any sort of point. But she waits to speak until she can interrupt me. Ten minutes and two neutral topics later, I can get off the phone.


Monday, December 18, 2006

Worst Trends of Christmas

  • The lengthening of the Christmas shopping season takes all the fun out of it. Not that shopping was ever fun for any reason, but it really grates on you when one quarter of the year has that little train that goes out of control in your nightmares and cotton stuffing draped over the whole mall.
  • Gift certificates are a waste. The MasterCards not affiliated with a particular store are even worse. At least giving me a Best Buy card ensures I will spend it on something more fun than my electric bill. There is no way to spend exactly $35 anywhere and it eats me up to have $2.18 leftover on a card.
  • Accessories. Just because I like my Xbox does not mean I need a fan stand and I sure as hell don't need a thermometer to hang on my parka because I like skiing. I can't feel my fingers, I don't care whether it is fucking freezing or just really fucking cold.
  • Gift exchanges. Don't tell me what to get you. If we have to set a price point and I tell you what to get me, let's not bother. You buy your fancy pepper mill and I'll buy my whiskey; then we won't have as much to carry to dinner.
  • Gag gifts. I don't need a New Kids on the Block poster and I sure as hell won't listen to Hanson's Snowed In, so don't bother spending $40 on a short laugh. You would get a bigger laugh out of a fart.
  • Holiday blockbusters are the worst they have ever been. Not that the tripe people used to watch was very good -- I saw parts of those formulaic Bing Crosby films -- but I can't imagine anything worse than Jingle All the Way or Deck the Halls.
  • Christmas albums from pop stars. I blame Target Moms for this. If you ever go shopping during the day on a weekend, you will see the problem for a large portion of society's problems. These good-looking women are out with nothing to do all day except spend money on anything and everything they see. In summer, they buy every picnic accessory, in the fall, they buy everything shaped like a leaf. But around Christmas, they buy anything that says Santa or Snow -- including Hanson's Snowed In.


Things to Flush

  • Little Danny's pet fish
  • Mom's meatloaf
  • Stillborn
  • M-80's
  • Mercury
  • Baby alligator
  • Your abusive husband, piece by piece


Best Places for a Mirror

  • Waist-high above the toilet
  • In a funhouse
  • Across the room from another mirror
  • Under a line of cocaine
  • In your pants


Thursday, December 07, 2006

Pillows and Q-Tips

There are so many things worth arguing about. Some things are not. This post marks the first in what I hope will be a series of girlfriend issues. To give credit where credit is due, I am borrowing the idea from Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, which is a fascinating site for us non-pornographic voyeurs (i.e. this site has nothing to do with upskirts and pee-cams).

Pillows on the Bed
I always sleep on my left side with my right arm wrapped around a pillow. Since Emily has been spending 3-4 nights a week at my place, I recently purchased a third pillow for my arm for when she so rudely rests her head on the second one. I saw this problem coming as soon as I bought it -- she thinks I don't like her because I have my arm on a pillow instead of on her. One time, she even hid the pillow from me. I tried to explain that she is larger than the pillow and makes my arm fall asleep, but that went over as well as you'd expect.

After a shower, I use a Q-Tip in my ear to get the water out and keep away the ear wax. There is also something called "candling" an ear to remove ear wax. This is when you take a waxed paper cone, put the pointy end in your ear, and light the big end on fire. The convection draws the wax out of your ear canal without putting sticks near your eardrum, but I have always hated flaming things in my ears.

So I grab a Q-Tip after the shower and I sometimes put one out for Emily, also. But that means sometimes I do not put one out. Here is a short play about one of those times.

Scott: I was thinking about going to the market later so I can make a stir-fry.
Emily: That sounds good. Can you get some asparagus?
Scott: I don't see why not. Then we can go to a movie.
Emily: Why didn't you get me a Q-Tip?!
Scott: ...umm...
Emily: You always get one for me. You must not like me anymore.
Scott: Why are you looking at me like that? What if I just leave the drawer open?
Emily: Why don't you just get one out for me like always?
Scott: Because it might get wet.
Emily: Then don't put it in a puddle.

Obviously, there is something about pillows and Q-Tips that goes well beyond cotton swabs and polyester fill.