Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Red Rocket

Last weekend, I ran a 4-mile race. This was the Winking Lizard "Shot in the Dark" race that finishes at the beer tent with a burger waiting for you. I would never in a hundred years think of doing this, but the lovely Emily asked and I said yes before I thought the better of it.

I prepped for the race by getting half-drunk the night before, plus it was 400°F outside and my pre-run meal was a salami & cheese sandwich, so I was ready to break records. I wore my best shiny shorts, my most sleeveless shirt, and new synthetic socks guaranteed to give you four extra horsepower.

Ready to race!

By the time I got to stretching near the starting line, I was spent. I was sweating all over the place and had already drunk all of my water. My legs were cramping up, I had to pee, and my shoes were too tight. The starter yelled for us to go and I wanted to cry.

I was doing pretty well around what I thought must have been the end of the race. I started coming up with names for myself, most notably, "The Red Rocket," because of my hair and my incredible speed. I imagined running across the finish line and splashing water on my face while the crowd hoists me on its shoulders. Maybe I would become a local celebrity and use my recognition to lauch my music career.

Then we pased the one-mile marker. That was when I knew I should have just stayed at the bar. Emily summed it up when she said, "You must really not be enjoying this; this is the quietest you've been since I met you."

After making Emily go slow with me the entire way, I sped ahead of her the last few steps so I could say that I beat her. It was my way of saying, "Thanks for inviting me to run this awful race."

Thursday, July 20, 2006

True Milk Carton Faces #1

I will be periodically posting the true stories behind the children that are supposedly missing that used to show up on milk cartons. I guess the modern equivalent would be those Advo mailers. So here is the truth behind one missing boy:

There once was a boy who loved the moon so much he built a spaceship to visit it. He did not think to ask anyone about the atmospheric conditions of the moon, so he was sorely suprised when he got there. Soon after exiting his homemade spaceship, he ceased to exist in the living world. Because his mode of egress was a ladder, he exited his ship in reverse, which means his butt was the first thing to enter the vacuous space around our favorite satellite, so his blood and lungs were sucked out through his ass.