Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Hollywood Lessons

Hollywood has taught us many things through the years, as evidenced by the strong viewership of such a dull event (The Academy Awards). The Oscars kept stressing the importance of movies as teachers of topics like racism and war. I have compiled my own list of important Hollywood teachings.
  • Never stand near a plate glass window. It is only a matter of time until something flies through it -- a car, a robot, and stray bullets are the three most likely projectiles.
  • Mechanical rooms (boiler rooms, air shafts, etc.) should have tighter security because everyone knows that's where the bad guys start.
  • Standing up to your boss, rather than get you fired, will earn you that promotion you think you deserve.
  • Evilness is directly proportional to you beauty. Sexy people are honest and strong. Ugly people are probably terrorists; at the very least, they cheat at Monopoly.
  • The white kid in a group of black friends is too uptight. The black kid in a group of white friends is smart and reasonable. Groups of all white kids are into cocaine and groups of all black kids are into pot. This whole theory goes out the window if there is either a baseball field (white) or basketball court (black) nearby. In this case, everyone is into learning life lessons and the value of teamwork.
  • Nothing good ever happens in high school. If something good happens, the person to whom it happens is probably bulemic.
  • Everyone has sex all the time in college except the losers, who only have sex once they start drinking. This is especially true if the loser wears glasses and there are fat people at the party.
  • Real estate developers are all assholes, but they are bigger assholes if they want to cruelly overpay some slob for her dilapidated house to build a shopping mall that might make better use of the land than the deflated basketball and faded Little Tikes toys that currently dot the landscape.
  • Old people are mean and overly concerned with children walking on their lawns.
  • Sex without a condom is twice as likely to result in pregnancy if the girl is catholic, both parties and virgins, and they both talk about the importance of college all the time.
  • Marriage is miserable all the time and everyone cheats. If your marriage is not completely awful, one of you is about to die a tragic death.
  • It is safe to shoot everyone once. Bad people die immediately while good people require many bullets to stop them.
  • You will die if you walk on train tracks, even though you can hear a train coming for a full minute before it reaches you.
  • And finally: Flat bed tow trucks always park with the bed at an angle so you can drive your car over it in slow motion.

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