Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Friday, March 24, 2006

MTV Spring Break

While at the gym last night, MTV was on the tube with their Spring Break 2006 coverage. The announcer said, "Join us as we travel down to Mexico to party for Spring Break. More like Sexico."

They actually said Sexico. Other Spring Break locations have been referred to as Tatitty, Non-Virgin Islands, Grand Gayman, and Mount Fuckington.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Lunchtime Surprise

On our walk back from lunch at the crappy Chinese buffet in our building, Courtney and I heard a bunch of claps and saw camera flashes. We walked in the door and there was Q-Artist of the year, James Blunt. Q104 had one of those sold-out-show, meet-the-artist specials where you have to call in to win tickets. We heard a bunch of dumb questions and then two acoustic songs. Believe it or not, one of them was, "You're Beautiful." What pisses me off is that his songs, when pared down to an acoustic guitar and his voice, are no better than mine. I have heard so many better artists, even just at little clubs. That means I need to learn to produce my songs better if I want to be a Q-Artist. And I do.

It was still a nice break from the day to hear James Blunt play about 30 feet away in a room of maybe 40 people. Holy shit, do those Q DJ's suck. All they asked about was his sex life. They are so on-the-edge! The corporations can't keep them down! This is what happens when you have arbitrary rules -- people spend too much time almost breaking them.

Man DJ: OK, let's take a question from the audience.
Girl: Hi, James. My name is Christine and my question is this. Would you sleep with me?
Woman DJ: Ooh. Good one, Christine!
James Blunt: Umm, my songs are about--
Man DJ: How many women have you slept with so far, James? I'm at four.
Woman DJ: How big is your penis?
James Blunt: Maybe I'll sing a song now.

Now I don't have to pay the $30 for a ticket. Not that I would have paid in the first place.. So it's not quite like getting $30 for free; it's more like getting a $30 gift certificate to Gap Kids.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Hollywood Lessons

Hollywood has taught us many things through the years, as evidenced by the strong viewership of such a dull event (The Academy Awards). The Oscars kept stressing the importance of movies as teachers of topics like racism and war. I have compiled my own list of important Hollywood teachings.
  • Never stand near a plate glass window. It is only a matter of time until something flies through it -- a car, a robot, and stray bullets are the three most likely projectiles.
  • Mechanical rooms (boiler rooms, air shafts, etc.) should have tighter security because everyone knows that's where the bad guys start.
  • Standing up to your boss, rather than get you fired, will earn you that promotion you think you deserve.
  • Evilness is directly proportional to you beauty. Sexy people are honest and strong. Ugly people are probably terrorists; at the very least, they cheat at Monopoly.
  • The white kid in a group of black friends is too uptight. The black kid in a group of white friends is smart and reasonable. Groups of all white kids are into cocaine and groups of all black kids are into pot. This whole theory goes out the window if there is either a baseball field (white) or basketball court (black) nearby. In this case, everyone is into learning life lessons and the value of teamwork.
  • Nothing good ever happens in high school. If something good happens, the person to whom it happens is probably bulemic.
  • Everyone has sex all the time in college except the losers, who only have sex once they start drinking. This is especially true if the loser wears glasses and there are fat people at the party.
  • Real estate developers are all assholes, but they are bigger assholes if they want to cruelly overpay some slob for her dilapidated house to build a shopping mall that might make better use of the land than the deflated basketball and faded Little Tikes toys that currently dot the landscape.
  • Old people are mean and overly concerned with children walking on their lawns.
  • Sex without a condom is twice as likely to result in pregnancy if the girl is catholic, both parties and virgins, and they both talk about the importance of college all the time.
  • Marriage is miserable all the time and everyone cheats. If your marriage is not completely awful, one of you is about to die a tragic death.
  • It is safe to shoot everyone once. Bad people die immediately while good people require many bullets to stop them.
  • You will die if you walk on train tracks, even though you can hear a train coming for a full minute before it reaches you.
  • And finally: Flat bed tow trucks always park with the bed at an angle so you can drive your car over it in slow motion.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

NEW SONG

I bought a new microphone and recorded a new song. I had such high hopes about making a non-sappy song, but those went to hell when I started writing the lyrics. This is also my first foray into background vocals and they are sloppy, to say the least.

Here is the song.

Again, I apologize for the awful file hosting site.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Sick Day

Going on my ninth day of being sick. My debilitating chest cold has somewhat slowed to a nagging cough that still wakes me up at night. Thankfully, I was not left alone to recover my health. This morning, I noticed crusty stuff in my eyeball and it was all red. PINK EYE. This is no ordinary case of pinkeye, though. This eyeball is so bad, it can infect you just by making eye contact. Your regular eyeballs are no match for my pink eye.

Scott: Hello, friend.
Friend: Hi. What's wrong with your-- OMG! I JUST CAUGHT PINK EYES!
Scott: Don't forget CRUSTY EYES!
Friend: My eyes are a dumb crapfart.

This play is best read aloud and remember, "OMG" is pronounced OH-EM-JEE.

I also have some sort of itchy rash around my neck. Maybe I'm allergic to echinacea and goldenseal root. I am almost certainly overdosing on some of these OTC medicines. The first day I felt truly awful, I went to the pharmacy and learned I cannot get Tylenol Cold until the pharmacist is in. To teach them a lesson, I drank half of a 12-oz bottle of Robitussin and a glass of whiskey. But whiskey never gave me a rash before.