Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Valentine's Day: An Overview

Valentine's Day is a disappointment waiting to happen in almost every circumstance. Someone in a loving relationship might say, "No! It will be nice and romantic with pasta and wine, followed by some sweet anal." A person in an abusive relationship may say, "No! She doesn't mean it. She only does it because she loves me and I deserve it. Happy Valentine’s Day."

But most people would say, "Which day of the week will my loneliness be highlighted this year? A Thursday? Maybe even a Friday, so I can feel the full brunt of my lackluster existence until I dull the heartache with bottle after bottle of lite beer on my dirty couch." This is based on someone I know who is not me.

The whole idea stems from the Greek myth of Saint Valentine. Saint Valentine was friends with Jesus in the 1920’s during the Jazz Era. Saint Valentine was always trying to hook Jesus up with flappers, which meant “hooker” in old-timey language. Just like the Book of Phil says, Yea, though but Jesus never took part in the flappery ways of the impure bosom. Especially though he not be allowed into fancy clubs whilst wearing open-toed shoes.

"You see Jesus over there? It's his birthday."

As Jesus moved on to bigger and better things like saving humanity from its own sins, Saint Valentine really wanted to stick it to him for breaking off the friendship. Valentine spent the rest of his days tempting teenagers and adults to sin at every opportunity by telling lies in effort to see each other naked.

I remember one V-Day in early high school when this one girl liked me and I was very nervous about it. She had a European look to her, and by "European," I mean she had a big butt. (Side note: Europeans have big butts because of all their different languages.) I bought her flowers and had her come over my mom’s house for a romantic night in the basement because I couldn’t drive and didn’t have any money left after I bought the roses at the grocery store. We sort of didn’t really kiss and I sort of felt like an idiot because of the lingering feeling of obligation hanging over the whole day. I didn’t even like her and she scared me a little because her butt was so much bigger than mine.

Or there’s the steady girlfriend V-Day where you spend three times the normal amount on a date because of the wine and dessert, only to be confronted with the fact that you still have nothing new to talk about. “So what’s new?” “Oh, you know.” “Yeah. I know. Kinda cold today.” “Yeah. And I think I might be getting sick.” “God, I’m bored."
"Can I tell you a secret?"
"My heart stopped beating last week."

The famous "Dating for Three Years" V-Day can be trying. There is absolutely no way to avoid tears without proposing. Those beautiful diamond earrings she wouldn't shut up about before Christmas are sure to go unappreciated in the glaring lack of engagement ring. (Another side note: She got an iPod for Christmas instead of the earrings so you could use it once in a while.) Even her aunt will call to remind you that three years is a long time and she was married after only one year of dating. You will refrain from mentioning her recent divorce and think wistfully about the HDTV you could have bought with all the money wasted on non-engagement earrings.

Good luck, lovers.


Anonymous Joe said...

Amen. You should try the six-year Valentine's Day without an engagement ring. Tears followed by "Don't you love me?" followed by an engagement a few months later, followed by the dark realization that an engagement ring costs quite a bit more than the money you spent for it, followed by lite beers sitting alone on the couch the year after that last Valentine's Day, thinking, " least I don't have to buy the stupid pasta dinner this year."

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, that last paragraph - sounds like Rich! - Amanda

3:53 PM  

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