Life of Scott

Imagination unleashed.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Important Facts for New Years Eve

Put down the prune juice, you old fucker. It's past your bedtime.

The new year heralds new opportunities and new hangovers. These are some helpful tips to make your celebration more enjoyable.

  • Open bar and buffet does not mean "Eat and drink until you puke or die." But goddammit, you are getting your seventy dollars' worth.
  • Always carry a freezer bag with you, especially if you are planning on puking while driving home.
  • Never drive home if you are drunk enough to puke. Drive to a freind's house so your wife/mother/babysitter/children won't give you shit about driving drunk again.
  • If you blow that little party horn near me one more time, I'm going to shove it up your ass.
  • Dressing up like a baby is fun, but you are not getting laid if you shit that diaper.
  • Liquor before beer is good for an engineer. Beer before liquor is also good for an engineer. Now hurry and fetch papa another whiskey.
  • Unless you are over 80 or a poodle, leave the novelty 2006 eyeglasses at home.
  • Attendants at a New Years Eve Singles party are the drunkest, most lonely people in the world.
  • Everyone knows how sad you are and how little you have to show for yet another year of your meaningless life. Just like in college!
  • Be excellent to each other. And party on.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Sanchez the Pirate: Part 2

Sanchez climbed aboard his banana boat and sailed for the Aisle of Wenches in search of an ice cream sandwich. On his way there, four dolphins were playing in his wake and swimming around, so Sanchez shot their heads off with a cannon ball. This was due to his piratery and also his hunger.

Sanchez drifted off to sleep for one hour during the trip, when he dreamed of crazy woman with eyes where her boobs should have been.

Sanchez: Hello, Wench.
Wench: I am not a wench. I am a monster.
Sanchez: Give me your ice cream sandwiches and I will let you live, Monster.
Monster: You are a dumb crapfart. My eyes are up here.

Sanchez awoke to a night sky and wondered where he was. The Aisle of Wenches should be around here somewhere. I will use the sex to figure out where I am. He meant the "sextant." Foolishly, he set the instrument on the poop deck, where it promptly fell into the ocean. Oh, crap, thought Sanchez. That was my only sex.

Several more hours later, Sanchez noticed an enemy pirate ship approaching. In pirate days, there were rivalries, just like in the professional sports of today. The similarities ended there, however. Instead of competing for trophies and bragging rights, pirates simply exploded each other with dynamite. Sanchez had no more cannon balls left -- he fired the last six at the moon in a desperate attempt to shut it off so he could sleep -- and no other means of defense. I will be exploded for sure, he thought. Or will he?

Travel Review: Fort Stockton, TX

It was Summer, 2005. It was hot, we were still hungover from New Orleans, and we were verging on completion of the 800+ mile journey westward across Texas on I-10. Despite all this, we were not happy about landing in Fort Stockton for the night. The whole town was closed for the night except for a KFC/Taco Bell. Taco Bell is more authentic in Texas, with real Mexicans working there!

The only reason to visit Fort Stockton is the pretty little Mexican girl at the KFC/Taco Bell who called me "Sir." I forget her name, but it was probably Maria. She was the second girl we had seen in two or three days after spending days with no one to look at but each other, so who knows if she was even all that pretty. She might have been like Carrie Fisher in Star Wars -- the only female in a movie full of mutants and dudes becomes beautiful by the end no matter who she is.

Official Rating: 1.7 (out of 10)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Sanchez the Pirate: Part 1

There once was a pirate named Sanchez. He was the first Mexican pirate, born to a family of scoundrels in the early 1800’s in a small village near Teotihuacán. Here is a picture of it.

It was a pretty small village.
His mother loved him a very small amount, so he raped and pillaged a lot. His favorite place to rape and pillage was the local church, so he could immediately confess his sins and not bother with the worry or the guilt. He was, after all, the best sort of rapist/pillager.
One day, Sanchez woke up from his siesta, pillaged the neighbor's place, and set off for his boat. It is a good day for an ice cream sandwich, thought Sanchez. I bet those girls have one on my boat and I will eat it from them.
Do they hide ice cream sandwiches?

"Hello, young girls. Please give me your ice cream sandwiches and leave my ship," demanded Sanchez. "Otherwise, I will rape you because I am a pirate. At a much later date, my awful deeds will be romanticized and this utter disregard for peace and human rights will become funny."

Unfortunately, the girls had nothing but gossip and periods. Sanchez tried to make sense of who was kissing who and how much Lupe stuffs her bra, but ultimately became disgusted with the uselessness of their chatter. "Ay, carumba!" exclaimed Sanchez and he cut their heads off with his sword. That was a close one, thought Sanchez. Now where should I go next?

Now you, the faithful blog reader, will decide what Sanchez does next! Should he plunder a retirement community in southern Florida? Go water skiing? Find a wench? Leave your best ideas in the comments.